Mile 8: Give me a gun…

I suddenly have a metallic taste in my mouth again – exactly what you feel with a hang-over, except this sensation arrives suddenly and I know exactly what follows.

Thirty seconds later and it’s like a train is rumbling towards me. My body is in shutdown but in my mind I’m totally awake. I grip my teeth together knowing that I will soon lose control and don’t want them lashing at my tongue. I realise that I’m humming to myself. Not a tune, but a constant note. I don’t know why – it seems to help my concentration.

And then the train comes. Electricity starts to pump through my body in waves. My right arm starts to kick out against my will. 40, 50 seconds. It’s getting stronger. My body is completely rigid, but the thrashing is fighting against it. It feels so alien.



60 seconds. Thousands of aggressive, electrical charges force my fingers to move in random directions.  Someone else is in control – I’m a passenger in my own body. I want whatever’s taken over to stop. But the waves keep coming. If only I could stop this invasion… if I only had a gun…

70 seconds, 80 seconds. When will it stop? I have no energy left but it keeps coming. Wave after wave of electricity. I don’t even want to see my hand’s crazy moves, because it’s not me. And then the train passes. 90 seconds, and the track is still humming with the weight of the carriages. Everything’s quiet.

I lie there exhausted, drenched in sweat. I feel like I’ve just run a marathon against my own will. I try to move my arm but I can’t find the connection. My whole right side is paralysed. I try to move a finger. Nothing. 5 minutes. I keep trying…

Finally I find the connection again, and I move my finger. Just a millimetre, but I’ve found it. 6 minutes. A very long six minutes. Very weakly I get up, just to prove to myself that I can. Then I need to sleep.

I never filmed myself – but this is similar to what happened every time… and the comfort of someone next to you is the only thing that makes it endurable.



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